Today, I questioned my life.
Is this it?
It's been over a year since the car crash that landed me in the ER. My first serious car accident.
I wanted my first post in years to be triumphant, like a great comeback. It wasn't that long ago I was staring at the ceiling in a hospital bed in Cincinnati, wondering what came of my life.
Since then, I had fulfilled my lifelong dream of moving to NYC, with a new job I love surrounded by amazing, talented colleagues.
Everything was finally falling into place,
but here we were again.
I was driving alone on the highway when traffic came to a complete stop. Then came the impact: 60 MPH from a distracted uninsured driver, slamming me into the car ahead, a family vehicle. Three cars involved. Two totaled. The family and I were sent to the ER.
Since then, I’ve been to a second ER, 105 doctor appointments with 22 different doctors at 13 different hospitals/locations. 4 Brain/neck/spine MRI/MRA’s, 5 different medications, 69 physical therapy appointments at 2 locations, 2 surgeries, 3 epidural steroid injections.
Over $185,000 of medical bills, a lawsuit, and a termination.
That night I laid in the hospital, I felt the neck brace and IV placed into my arm were an overreaction.
Maybe, because this time, I was still optimistic for life when I got out.
It reminded me of that hospital in Cincinnati. Bright, lit with a slight blueish tint that never fully lit the corners of the room.
My head hurt but I’d be back in no time.
How naive.
Over the following days, the pain became unbearable. To the point I kept fainting. An inescapable concussion migraine 24/7 that flared up at the glance of a screen, vomiting, nosebleeds. 5 herniations.
The constant hum of NYC, to me once the sound of life itself, became a frustrating deterrent for me to even walk outside. Birthday spent at the doctor's office. Independence day dependent on noise-canceling airpods, avoiding the very show I looked forward to. Christmas spent alone.
What was a doctor's recommendation became an order.
1 week, 2 weeks, 3 weeks, 5 weeks, 8 weeks, 4 months, 1 year away from the job I had just started. Even from the beginning, I thought it’d be over just next week. Just next week. Just one more damn week. But as reality set in, I hate to admit that that optimism slowly disappeared.
I became bitter.
Why God?
Why me?
Was this some kind of cruel joke?
Moving into NYC, I adamantly declared I'd be grateful for any problems faced. Now it felt that my career, the relationships I was forming, the new life I was starting, had all collapsed overnight. And so finally, the depression set in.
I wept many nights.
Life moves on, with or without you.
I used to hate the phrase, “nobody cares”, but stuck in a room, watching the world blur outside my window, from the highs of achieving my dreams, I fell back down to earth and faced reality once again.
My distress didn't stop a single subway, a single meeting, or a single plan. Everyone is busy with their own lives. Everyone has their own problems. Many worse than mine. This wasn't cynicism. It was a freeing, humbling reality.
“Nobody cares!”
Slowly, I watched the seasons cycle. Walking down the streets of NYC, with an invisible injury, with more people than I'd ever seen in my life, I had never felt more alone. Some walks I cried. And sometimes the rain covered for me. Cleaning the streets whilst leaving behind an indelible scent of petrichor. And as I started to go on long walks again, the noise of NYC that irritated my ears for so long slowly turned back into the hum of life I always dreamed it to be.
I saw change.
My distress didn’t stop a single subway, a single celebration, or a single marriage. Romance blossoming, proposals popping, the nervousness of first dates, dreams being chased.
This was NYC.
I surrendered myself to feel how I feel.
Finally, acceptance.
So what’s to make of all this? I’m not so sure, my story hasn’t ended just yet, but suddenly, the world looks a little different.
So this is my public declaration.
To those who know me, knew me, or don’t.
I won’t take a single moment for granted.
Sincerely,
Kyu-Hun Lee
To all those individuals who checked in, sat in the mud with me, and supported me throughout this time, thank you.